Friday, August 6, 2010

Here we go again...

Caution: Negative Post

The last three weeks have been great with Dutch.  I have been feeling really good about myself and have had pretty much nothing but optimism towards learning.  I really though all of the depression was over.

Then, it all went away last night.  Kris had to stop at the garage on the way home to get his car fixed.  We ended up being there for a little over a hour and a half.  When I am in situations like that, where everyone speaks Dutch and I have to speak English, it is really quite embarrassing.  I can't really explain the feeling, but embarrassing I think is what describes it best.  I test to not say anything in these situations because I don't want people looking at me like I'm an idiot.  For the most part I've learned to get over this, but I think since yesterday I was in the situation for so long that it just built up and slowly got rid of all the optimism that I've built up.  I think the work part was when the auto mechanic turned to me at the end and spoke to me in English even for the very simple things like "goodbye."  Wow, it just really hurts.  So I was kinda down last night but was trying my best to bring myself out of it and I did a little bit.

This morning I still did not feel totally up to par and by the time we got to work I decided I was boycotting Dutch for the day (I know not a good choice...)  So I used English the whole day and by doing that I think just made things worse.  Towards the end of the day I realized how stupid the whole thing was so little by little I started to feel a bit better.  Then at the very end of the day, someone came into are room and carried on an entire conversation in Dutch not even acknowledging that fact that I was in the room.  I've learn to get over this as well by listening really hard and trying to figure out was was going on and chiming in when possible.  But today, that was just not going to happen, this was the final straw that made the bad mood stick for the rest of the day.  Man does that make me feel stupid, unimportant, dumb, and unwanted.  Like "no need to include Nick, he has nothing of value to add anyway."

No I know that's not the reason that people do this and like I've said before I don't want people to change for me, but today being in the state that I was in, it was just too much and I could not handle it so I just got out my phone and started playing a game and totally tuned everyone out.

I'm starting to feel a bit better now that I've gotten everything off my chest on here (thanks again for listening.)  Now I need to concentrate on getting my optimism back, one so I can have a good weekend, and two so I do not lose all of the progress I've made so far.

So sorry to disappoint everyone with this news, but hopefully it is only a minor setback.  I look forward to hopefully sharing some better news next time.


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Hey Nack,

Just have a few Amstel's and relax.

your uncle