Thursday, June 24, 2010

Still trying with (very) Limited Results

Haaaaaaaa, where do I even start?  I am so frustrated.  I used to enjoy trying to learn Dutch and felt like I was progressing, now every time I do it, it just make me mad and make me feel stupid, dumb, and useless.  I think learning a new language has to be one of the hardest if not the hardest thing I ever did (no kidding.)  I listen, listen, listen, read, read, read, speak, speak, speak, write, write, write, just like everything/everyone says I should do and you know what?  I feel like I know less every time I open my fucking mouth trying to speak a Dutch sentence or phrase.  I'm getting to the point where it is just becoming too overwhelming, when will I have a breakthrough, when will I feel like I am progressing, when?  I almost wish that I don't have to hear people speaking it anymore because it just makes me want to understand all that much more.

Lately, I've been going to Dutch websites, downloading Dutch software, reading (or tying to) read Dutch magazine.  I have the desire and feel like I am doing everything I can, but it is just not coming, I forget words, I don't build sentences even close to correct, words have different means or multiple words for the same thing, the list goes on and on.

At the same time, I keep on reading things that say keep reading, keep speaking, keep listening and someday you will get it.  So my plan is to keep doing just that, I am not going to give up no matter how frustrated or mad I get (and trust me, I get MAD.)  Why do I have to get so mad about this, looking back, when I first moved here, I would have never expected to be able to communicate very well in Dutch after only three months so why do I constantly keep getting so mad and frustrated?  I think it is because I can't stand not knowing or understanding something that I want to figure out.  I really can't.  I hope all of this frustration will help me to keep at it and maybe one day I will have an epiphany and speak in Dutch.

In the meantime though I really hate how this is putting me down and making me be in a bad mood, that is not who I am.  Sometimes I just sit at home totally overwhelmed and think to myself "there is absolutely no way I'm going to learn this, there is just too much to know! How the hell do other people do this?"

And Rosetta Stone really pisses me off, it makes you feel like you know what you are doing but then you get to the real world and realize that nothing you learned really even applies in real life, people just don't talk in the way they do in the examples.  I can't understand why that software gets such great reviews, it sucks!  Yes I've learned some things from it, but I am almost done with it and far from being able to hold a conversation with someone.  I am still hopeful that the last unit and a half will put me over the hump and get me to the point were I can at least communicate with people.  I think once I get to that point it will be so so much nicer.  I can talk to people for the most part and then when I don't understand or need to say something I don't know I can just ask (then learn that word/phrase) and switch right back to the conversation.

Sorry for all of this, but I really need an outlets for my thoughts on this because it is killing me right now keeping it to myself and pretending like everything is fine and dandy.

I would however like to end on a positive note, I absolutely do like being here in Holland.  It is a great country, I have good friends, and can't really complain about much else, besides not having a car yet, but we won't go there now!  haha

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